


NOCT ME UP

by hati_skoll



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Crack, M/M, very light shipping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 19:40:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14172045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hati_skoll/pseuds/hati_skoll
Summary: In this week's issue of NOCT ME UP, we bring you five exciting encounters with the heroic and wonderful HRH Noctis Lucis Caelum.If you have had your own thrilling encounter with our esteemed prince and wish to share the experience, please emailprincewatch@noctmeup.com.





	NOCT ME UP

**Author's Note:**

> I apologise in advance for the horrendous reporting etiquette. (Also, that last time is not exactly... an outsider's perspective. Sorry, it kind of slipped my mind.)
> 
> For the [kinkmeme](https://ffxv-kinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/4747.html?thread=8968587#cmt8968587):
> 
> Noct goes around helping a lot of people on his way to his destiny. I'd like to see a five times fic from the outsider perspective of what it's like when Noctis comes to their aid, or buys from their shop, etc!  
> ++humor much appreciated  
> +++at least some of them are left dreamily gazing after him

_You are receiving this email because you've chosen to subscribe to Noct Me Up's weekly e-newsletter, if you no longer wish to receive exciting updates about our booty-licious prince's daring exploits, please click here._

Greetings fellow Nocturnes!

We interrupt the month-long memorial for His Royal Highness Noctis Lucis Caelum with exciting news. Our beloved prince is alive! That's right, folks, the sexiest bachelor of Insomnia can be felled by no giant, laser-blasting daemon.

There have been numerous sightings of our lovely angel in black corduroys all over Leide, Duscae and Cleigne over the past couple of weeks, accompanied by a presently unidentified trio – likely candidates include Ignis Scientia from the noble House of Scientia, Prince Noctis' loyal Chamberlain; Gladiolus Amicitia from the warrior House of Amicitia, steadfast shield to our future king; Cor Leonis the Immortal; and Prompto Argentum, Prince Noctis' high school classmate. Anyone who is able to provide further information pertaining to His Highness' companions will be generously compensated. Please direct all relevant emails to princewatch@noctmeup.com.

In light of the heartening news, this week's issue of Noct Me Up will feature a collection of personal accounts detailing Prince Noctis' post-invasion affairs.

**Prince Noctis is _flawless_.**

This is a fact we're all very familiar with, but it appears those outside the walls of Insomnia have yet to be blessed by the blinding glory of our esteemed prince. Nevertheless, a chance encounter with his illustrious personage has sent the patrons at Hammerhead reeling.

"So, uh, everyone out here knows, if you wanna get your car fixed, you go to Cid. Best mechanic in these parts, y'know? I mean, of course you do," says starry-eyed customer, Moretum Caesar, "So anyway, I've bust my engine just that morning when I was out on an errand for ma, I don't know what I did to it, I mean if I did, I wouldn't be at Cid's. Had the car towed to the garage and Cid tells me I gotta get in line. Turns out a couple of unlucky schmucks got their car in a pretty bad shape.

"Happens all the time out here. The roads are pretty mean; they'll wear out your tires the way a pack of sabertusks'll run down a weary hunter- Sorry, got a little gruesome there.

"Anyway, the roads here ain't nothing like the shiny black asphalt they've got back in the Crown City. So I'm feeling pretty bad for these guys, might've lent a hand, I don't know, offered them some of ma's fresh leiden pepper- We've got the freshest produce in Duscae, and they're only going for twenty gil a piece!

"Uh, right, but then, when I was walking outta the garage, I saw her. No, not Cindy. The _car_. It was _massive_. Built like it could take on a behemoth. I was staring at her thinking, [REDACTED]. That's a damned fine ride. Didn't look anything like any of the cars in these parts. Insomnia-make, could tell from a mile away. And maybe I was feeling… a little less charitable towards… city-folks, you know. Probably rich kids, who've had it good all their lives.

"And that's when I saw _him_. Well, them. But _him_. Yeah, I think they were trying to go, what's the term, 'in cognito'? Yeah? Sure ain't cognito from where I was standing. They were wearing the crown's colours, all black. And the prince. Man, I ain't one of those poetic types. But I'd sure as hell try for him. See, he was running towards the garage from across the road – not looking both sides, because all the cars in the world would stop for His Royal Highness.

"I'm not being snarky. With a face like that, and an ass- this isn't going to get me in trouble with the Crownsguard, is it? No? You're sure? Well, an ass like that, all perky and tight, could stare at it for years. Not that I'd ever think of _touching_. Ever. I mean, he's the _prince_. So there's no need for any of the Crownsguard to be knocking on my door in the middle of the night.

"Yeah, anyway, he jogged over, hair flipping like in one of those fancy hair commercials. The light all golden and rosy around him, and his skin looked… astral-kissed, all shiny and _soft_.

"Then he stopped right in front of me, kind of looked at me through his bangs. And he said, hey. He said _hey_. _Hey_. Can you imagine? The prince! I think I was standing there for fifteen minutes or something even after they left. And that's when I was hit with the epiphany, you know."

Yes, we do, Prince Noctis is flawless.

**I hear his hair's insured for ten million gil.**

After assuring Tom Laesus, part-time hunter and self-proclaimed lamialogist, that no, we're not from the empire, and no, we wish no harm on the honourable Crown Prince of Lucis, the NMU team is treated to a most delightful tale of His Highness' never-ending compassion, and surprising insight into the royal beauty regiment.

"Prince Noctis saved my life! He just swooped in and, kapow, wham, bam! Magic sword! And then whoosh, right across the field. And then he did this thingy, and it was like _ziiing_ , glowy weapons all around him. And then he pfkuk, shzoosh, krrek the [REDACTED] out of those [REDACTED] voretooths, and I swear a giant mother-[REDACTED] _astral_ appeared and it was _huge_ and then it was like BOOOOOM!

"And I was- Huh? You want me to back up a little?

"Okay. Yup. [I took up a hunt at] Wiz Chocobo Post. We've been running low on gil lately, and Jen – that's my little sister – needs to see her paediatrician. She's got a lung condition. And it was _supposed_ to be an easy job.

"I'm not suicidal! One gigantoad isn't _so_ bad. I'm a pretty decent shot, so I can kinda snipe it from afar? Anyway. I bagged the job, and I was heading back to Wiz to collect my gil. But this [REDACTED] pack of voretooths showed up all of a sudden, and they were right on my [tail]!

"I knew I had to get to higher ground or I'd be [in serious trouble]. But it was raining, and I just spent half an hour sniping a gigantoad and I was _tired_ , which means careless; and yup, one of them messed up my ankle pretty bad, before I found a decent ledge to take cover on.

"I thought I was going to be daemon fodder for sure! The sun was setting. I was out in the wild, my leg hurt, the voretooths were still out there. We're talking major, major [REDACTED]-fest. Chances of survival looked close to nil.

"So whatever, I started yelling for help. Pretty sure no one would hear me. But… I wasn't just going to lie back and think of Lucis while daemons made mincemeat out of me!

"And _Prince Noctis_ appeared. _Prince Noctis_! Can you believe it? I thought I was hallucinating. Or dead! Or dead and hallucinating! But there he was! Just schmosh! Cutting the voretooths down like they're… like they're flies!

"He had the guy with glasses hand me a potion after they took care of the [REDACTED] beasts. Prince Noctis was totally chill about it, although I think he was kinda upset that they messed up his hair? I mean, it still looked pretty [REDACTED] awesome to me!

"Uh, I might've told him I'd pay for the damages. Brain to mouth filter went down after all that _splooosh_. His big, brawny bodyguard dude told me not to bother – kinda implied I wouldn't be able to afford it. Which is, well, duh. I hear his hair's insured for ten million gil or something.

"Although the insurance company's probably under Niflheim control now, if it still exists-

"Guy with glasses was promising the prince to cook up some fancy tomato hair paste? While they were walking away? Prince Noctis didn't seem too psyched about it."

**I hear he does car commercials. In _Altissia_.**

The hunters around Cape Caem were a lot more tight-lipped about Prince Noctis' whereabouts, but we are nothing if not tenacious when it comes to news regarding His Royal Highness. After several days of scouting the area, the NMU team chanced upon a friendly restaurateur who's been dealing carrots with a "quite charming" group of four. We've been led to believe that the Prince's retinue is growing a farm right on Cape Caem. But it appears Prince Noctis has bigger plans than agriculture in store.

"Ah, yes. They've rather capable green thumbs, those boys," Tony Cauponi says fondly, "Even though one of them seems to detest carrots quite profusely. Such a shame, caem carrots make for a most delectable palate, quite the rage over at Cupona.

"Hm? A description of the boy? Black hair, blue eyes, I believe- About my height? Yes, I'd say about there. And a penchant for black, which his friends share.

"Handsome lads, all of them. I hear they're in the fashion industry, just enjoying a bit of nature in their free time. The blond one said something about being seaside supermodels. He was taking a lot of pictures, probably for their portfolio. That's quite important for models.

"Anything else I heard? You're fans of the lads, aren't you? Well, let's see…

"The muscled one – he's a sports model, isn't he, considering his physique – was telling his more genteel, high-fashion friend – the one with coiffed chestnut hair and glasses? – that Blue Eyes had been 'taking forever and refused to put the rod back in'.

"I think Blue Eyes replied with, 'All you did was tell me to 'put my back in it'. It was frickin' huge and my arms were tired, alright?'

"Ah. I'm not sure I want to speculate on what they were talking about. Could be plenty of things. Like sex, or… gravure modelling? Or… sex?

"The bespectacled gentleman praised Blue Eyes for his persistence and assured him that he's 'getting much better' and that he does in fact have, ahem, 'a good sense of when to relax and when to use his muscles, although he _has_ been rather tensed lately, so maybe they ought to take some time that night to massage him properly and get him adequately loosened up?'.

"I didn't catch Blue Eyes' response, but he must've been on board with that plan, because there weren't any protests coming from his quarter.

"The smaller blond one was chattering about the quality of Altissia's beds, so maybe that's where they're heading for their next shoot? He said something getting a car on a boat, and how that'll make 'a wicked picture'.

"Huh, I'm guessing, sea-themed car commercials? In _Altissia_. Sounds like an interesting concept."

Well. If Prince Noctis' looking for a career change, then I'm sure his future works will be highly anticipated!

**One time, he met First Secretary Camelia at a bar. And she told him he was pretty.**

If that isn't enough to excite you, we're sure the next account will have you on the edge of your seats. One of our subscribers sent us an email a couple of days ago with a few attached pictures. With her permission, we're publishing the contents of the email below: (We're sure you'll find this as interesting as we did!)

Hey girls, you'll never guess who I saw down at Maagho bar.

[princesexyaf1.jpg]

Tell me that isn't His Royal Sexiness Prince ~~Naughty~~ Noctis. I dare you. Tell me it isn't him. He's even more gorgeous in person dfdahbjvfa Like you can't see in the photos, but I swear those eye lashes are just wasted on a guy. Are we sure he doesn't use mascara? Like are we actually sure?

Anyway, he and his boy toys showed up out of the blue, looking all sensually dishevelled mmm… I wonder what they've been doing to get their hair and clothes all mussed like that. [ _Friendly reminder that Noct Me Up frowns upon hate mails directed at any of His Highness' love interests._ ] Came sashaying in like they totally do not have the empire riding their asses.

[princesexyaf2.jpg]

Also, you see that second photo, where he's standing with his hip cocked and his shirt riding up? Our boy has abs! And he was totally flaunting it for his boyfriends, I kid you not. Bending over every flat surface like he's asking for a pounding. The blond one, Prompto iirc, Prince Noctis' classmate(?), he was taking photos like his life depended on it.

Ok I tried to secretly video them, and let me tell you, it was _hard_. It's like those boys have ESPN or something. They turn every time I have my phone camera up. But whatever, at least I got Something.

[princesexyafnbfs.mp4]

And it's like so obvious they've a Thing. I mean, c'mon. Did you not see that kiss? That was so obviously a kiss. They make such a cute couple. Or foursome. #LOVEWINS Look, all I'm saying is, if Prince Butter-My-Muffins wants his muffins buttered, then who are we to judge? Plus that's some very Fine men he's toting about, I wouldn't blame him for wanting in on that meat sandwich.

Now for the juicy deets, First Secretary Camelia popped by all casual-like to have a word with His Royal Pinchable-Cheeks. Totally not suspicious at all, no siree. Walked straight right up to Weskham and asked for his "pretty boy guests" because everyone's clearly been waiting for Prince Noctis to show up after that announcement about the Oracle.

They were talking real soft and secretive, but I swear the First Secretary invited Prince Noctis back to her apartment 'to discuss terms'. I'm betting they're here for amnesty, the prince and his boyfriends. It only makes sense, since Accordo's the only place with any sort of independence from the Empire. Am I right or amirite?

Since the treaty's screwed six ways to Sunday, he can even tie the knot with one of his boy toys. That's what couples come to Altissia for – no, not the view. Cheap marriage licenses!

You think they'll have a fake King Regis officiating, or is that too tasteless?

**One time he stabbed me with his sword. It was _awesome_.**

Our last entry comes from a mysterious man in a fedora who has identified himself as Nydra Ainuzi. He approached one of our Accordo-based NMU associates shortly after we received the email informing us about Prince Noctis' impending elopement. Nydra considers himself, "a well-informed expert on Lucian royalty, their retainers and all other matters concerning the Crown and Crystal," and he has been "paying special attention to the so prodigious last son of Lucis Caelum."

"Where do I begin, where do I begin? Oh, there is just so much to tell about the beautifully tragic Prince Noctis.

"Shall we begin with his battle habits? I think we shall. Behold, the brave and heroic Prince Noctis. He's nimble and quick and oh so skilled with his weapons, and [sharp intake of breath] dear me, is His Royal Highness carrying a moogle plushie into battle?

[ardynsphoto1.jpg]

"Heavens, who would have guessed that the prince was so attached to stuffed animals? To think he'd be childish enough to lug one around while fighting, such disappointing disregard for proper battle etiquette- I do need that photo back. It was stolen, as in _borrowed_ from someone.

"Yes, a blond-budding-photographer someone.

"Well. I guess he wouldn't miss it.

"Hm, I see you're quite charmed by the prince's utterly _unprofessional_ attachment to toys. But have you seen this appallingly _indecent_ cosplay he did for that crass video game festival?

[ardynsphoto2.jpg]

"Oh, you're swooning. Yes, it's awfully risqué of the prince. What a blatant lack of respect for decorum, showing so much _skin_ \- No, you cannot have that photo. It's _borrowed_.

"Oh fine.

"You seem quite pleased to have seen Noctis' n- nipple. I can't say I understand the appeal.

"I beg your pardon?

"You wish to know of the prince's steamy dalliances with his secret paramours? Oho, I can definitely help you with that. Let's see here.

[ardynsphoto3.jpg]

"Feast your eyes.

"Indeed, how terribly promiscuous- Such unruly behaviour from a scion of the distinguished line of Lucis, no less. I'm sure you're all quite horri… fically excited.

"Because it is obviously a cause for celebration – to have a sexually active prince, enamoured with his very _male_ attendants. No cause for concern at all. None at all. The lack of heirs would be sending no one into a state of panic.

"Do you even-

"Why, I'm sure you would even be pleased to know that the prince once _stabbed me with his sword_. Quite brutally. Are you excited about _that_ , hm? Do his violent tendencies not faze you?  Do they not cloud your sunnily enthusiastic support of whatever that brat-

"I don't think I expected so _shrill_ a reaction, but it's rather flattering to know that you feel so strongly about my well-being- What?

"Was it _what_? Awesome? Are we on the same page?

"Was it _awesome_ to be stabbed by Prince Noctis' sword? I- Do I look particularly prone to masochistic tendencies? Well, I suppose being tormented and ravaged by daemons for two thousand years does that to-

"You know what, yes. Yes, it was _awesome_. I absolutely enjoyed being impaled on the pointy end of his magic metal phallic symbol. You can put that down in your little publication. Good day.

"And keep that photo."

**And there you have it, the post-invasion life and times of our ever beloved, ever righteous Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum. Watch out for next week's issue of Noct Me Up to find out more about His Royal Highness' devoted ~~bed~~ mates and their amazing sexcapades.**

_Please view our Terms and Conditions, or refer to our Privacy Policy for more information. Noct Me Up is a Noct-for-Profit organization, dedicated to delivering the naughtiest Noctis content for all the ardent con-noct-sseurs out there._

**Author's Note:**

> Clearly, I watch too much Mean Girls. And I deserve a firaga to the face.
> 
> Side note, apparently there's a [Noctis Fic/Art Exchange](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Noctis_Fic_or_Art_Exchange) going on? Which sounds really fun, so here's a shout-out for that (disclaimer: I'm completely unaffiliated with the mods/organisers).
> 
> Kudos, comments, reblogs appreciated. [Tumblr](http://hati-skoll.tumblr.com/post/172484408437/noct-me-up).


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